This post is rather ugly. Just a warning. My flesh has been creeping up on me a whole lot this week. When I say a lot I mean an abundance. I have noticed that in order for me to deal with it sometimes I have to just lay it all out and walk away. My problem is simply this....I don't want to wait anymore!! I want my daughter/son here in my arms. I want to finally be a family. I want to be normal. Fleshy huh? I know...I am sorry.
We have been on this journey to parent hood for a very long time. If it was up to us we would have had our family finished by now. Unfortunately things don't always turn out the way you plan. This is exactly when the flesh wants to rise up and the devil throws more thoughts my way. It's not easy this waiting and being patient. Last night Pastor Evan preached a message on having a vision set before you and not just my vision but God's vision for my life. I needed to hear that.
For so long my vision has been to have a family. A family of my own. It was to be a mom and to take care of my family. It sounds silly but I dream of the day I can hang a stocking on the mantle that says Baby's First Christmas or an ornament on the tree that has the year they were born. I want to be a normal woman who talks about her kids in conversations instead of feeling awkward and out of place. I want my kids to grow up around our friends kids who are the same age instead of feeling like we are in different stages of life and have little in common. I want to actually take a family photo and not just have a picture of the two of us. Most importanly I want to hear the words "Mommy I love you" and feel complete. Selfish I know....I told you this post was ugly....Forgive me.
As happy as we are to adopt it still comes with it's ups and downs. Just like with infertility it is an emotional roller coaster. In both of these processes you have very little control on the outcome. This is not something that someone else can fix, make happen, or do for you. The whole journey takes every ounce of faith you have. I am not going to lie it's hard.
After last nights service I knew my vision needed to change. I need to stop focusing on ways to do it in my own strength and get back to resting in His presence. That is where I will find the peace I so desperately need right now. Today in the midst of these feelings I am thankful for the plan He has for us. I don't know how or when but I do know He will bring our children to us someday. So as the song goes " While I'm waiting, I will praise you while I'm waiting".... You know you want to sing along! Go ahead it will make you feel so much better!! I already do! :)
